March new car sales collapse

The zombie apocalypse has flatlined new car sales here in Shitsville. It’s the perfect storm if you’re in a position to buy a new car right now.

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March just gone marks two straight years of monthly declines in car sales, here in Australia.

It's the perfect storm - latent commercial pressure and added stress of the zombie apocalypse makes it a perfect time to buy a new car - if you've got the cash and the job security.

Last month, the car industry’s grubby little lobby group went all Easter Island-faced about the 23 months in a row of so-called ‘negative growth’. (Thanks for that excellent unspeak, Tony).

Dealer forecourts right now: plenty of cars, no traffic.

Then the zombie apocalypse hit properly: the brain dead hordes swamped our supermarkets, reducing the critical national reserve of toilet tissue to zero, and new car sales crashed. Right at the two-year anniversary of the shit-sales tsunami. Perfect storm.

This impact was felt in particular at dealer level in just the past two weeks - even though dealers remain open for business, seeing as how no self-respecting virus would enter premises of that nature. There are standards. Massage parlours - all closed. Dealers: Right as rain. Just saying. This is a net deficit in the domain of happy endings, I think you’d agree.

Market-leading king of mediocrity Toyota kind of held its ground - it’s up 1.6 per cent for March. Small round of applause there.

And - epic counterpunch time - Kia jumped six per cent, whipped out a left hook from nowhere and overtook arch-rival Hyundai, which fell 29 per cent. And that fall is kind of representative of the cliff the rest of the majors tumbled over in March. Pretty much 30-40 per cent down was the  average.

This is a particularly sweet triumph for Kia. Joined at the hip to Hyundai, back in Seoul, but fiercely competitive here. The top Aussie at Kia - former PE teacher Damien Meredith - also former big cheese of sales at Hyundai Australia. It’s always good to beat your big brother in a fair fight. Hyundai’s still in front for the year, however. But Kia is on the rise, and spectacularly so.

So, the top 10 are:

• King of Mediocrity;

• Mazda (down 29 per cent for March);

• Mitsubishi (down 43 per cent);

• Kia in fourth;

• then Hyundai;

• then Holden (up a staggering 30 per cent following the epic Holden ‘finally fucking off’ fire sale);

• then Ford in seventh (down 21 per cent);

• those chumps at Nissan (down 30 per cent), Honda, busily shafting its dealers and also down 27 per cent;

• then Subaru pushing into 10th spot - flat sales there for the borderline Toyota subsidiary;

• and the criminal enterprise we know as Volkswagen, just outside the top 10 and down 38 per cent.

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“There’s never been more than 50 bucks in a Suzuki Esteem and the history of Esteems - nobody’s going to look twice.”

Opportunity calling

Here in the Fat Cave, the Auto Expert nerve centre, together with my commercial partners and the Ming Molls, we managed to deliver 56 cars in March, which was down a little, but not massively so.

So I guess the main point I wanted to leave you with is that there is a lot of commercial upheaval right now - a horde of toilet tissue-eating zombies running amok in the streets (no more than two together, and at a safe separation of 1.5 metres, obviously, because not even zombies appreciate a $1000 fine) but a horde nonetheless, will do that. It’s upsetting.

And if you’ve been laid off, the next few months is going to be hard indeed - despite whatever cash the government splashes your way. I have a great deal of sympathy for anyone in hospitality, tourism, working for airlines, cafes, restaurants, retailers - it’s a long list.

But there’s another category of people out there, who are relatively unaffected - at least financially. Like, my son is a foreman on a building site. Nothing much has changed for him - it’s all get up in the dark, manage concrete pours and juggle hordes of tradies. The public service - still up and running. The cops. Fire brigade. Ambos. Teachers. The media - all pretty busy right now. And to whom we owe a massive collective thank-you.

The point is: if you’re relatively insulated from the financial fallout of the zombie apocalypse and you’ve got the cash plus the need for a new car - go for it, because your bargaining power has never been higher. The car industry is on the ropes. It was sick before the apocalypse hit. 

This is the double-whammy from hell - only in your favour.

-Me

There is extreme pressure at every link in this chain - so if you’re in front of a dealer, do not forget that he is absolutely desperate for your cash right now. He’s got these massive fixed costs, and he needs you more than you need him.

It’s called leverage, and you might as well exploit it, to the friggin’ max. Because if the boot were on the other foot, he sure as shit would not hesitate to turn the thumbscrews on you.

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Luck favours preparedness

If you are shopping, here’s some additional homework you can do to prepare:

• How to shop for a new car: head vs heart >>

• Understand dealer delivery fees and what the hell a demonstrator is here >>

• Read up on my 2020 new car buyer’s guide: top tips for taking down a dealer >>

• Don’t be led around by a dealer waving warranty in your face; it’s important a brand and its dealers abide by and honour Australian Consumer Law and its warranty obligations. So the brand’s warranty in itself is largely irrelevant >>

• It’s good to know who were the winners and losers in 2019, because knowledge is power >>

• Likewise, these are the brands to avoid like the Spanish Flu >> (ahem, zombie apocalypse).

• And if you’re still in the early stages of deciding what to buy, here are my highly recommended Best Cars >> , which are not only reliable, safe and affordable, but are matched by brands with good customer support >>

• And once you’ve bought, in the worst case scenario and something does go wrong, should you need it, here’s how you fight the service department and win >> (if it ever comes to that).

• Last thing: don’t ever let your scheduled service slide or get pushed back - tardiness could be extremely costly >>

And if you simply don’t feel like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, ready to slay the dealer, metaphorically, just click the link below and let me team of crack Navy SEAL-trained negotiators do the slicing and dicing on your behalf. Here’s how that works >>

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