Mercedes finally kills X-Class ute (aka fake Navara)

Mercedes-Benz has concluded it’s mad ambush experiment on customer stupidity. Turns out X-Class marked the spot after all...

---

Mercedes tried hard to disguise the reality.

The Mercedes-Benz X-Class ute has been officially canned, because (apparently) people weren’t dumb enough to swallow it, hook, line and sinker. 

This means the company’s fascinating three-year, global customer stupidity benchmarking investigation is concluded.

And the results are in:

Amazingly, given the capacity for ambient human imbecility in the 21st Century, the World’s population contains an insufficient number of cognitively impaired rich wankers capable of deciding that a facelifted Navara wearing the coveted three-pronged suppository sticker is good value at twice the price of the Nissan shitbox upon which it, I believe, is disingenuously based.

Nobody at Suppository headquarters Australia-Pacific Oceania Inconsequential said:

“We’re quite disappointed that people aren’t actually that dumb.

Internally, we thought it was a really neat idea to put a cocktail dress on that pig, and arbitrarily double the price.

But we arrogantly over-estimated just how many gullible, rich wankers among our customer base of truly elite compulsive masturbators would do anything to own a Mercedes-Navara ute.”

-Definitely Not Mercedes-Benz Australiana

Would it not be impossibly excellent (I ask you) to inject a PR operative with sodium pentothal just moments before a press conference? I know I’d enjoy that.

I tried to warn you all this would happen:

If you buy an X-Class you’re going to look like a fool who wasted his cash, to anyone who knows anything about cars.

…a failed experiment: Three-point Swastika senior management is almost certain to can the X-Class prematurely because it’s a tasteless, classless shitheap that does not sell in any market and it remains unprofitable, even at its hugely inflated, unjustifiable price…

-Me, August 2019

So, ending months of rampant speculation, after three long years of trying to bury the elephant in the room, big, bad Benz bigwigs have boned the transvestite Navara X-Class. In that time globally, they did find about 15,000 sufficiently wealthy Compulsive Masturbation Disorder sufferers, which unfortunately was not enough to make the project economically viable into the future.

CMD is a terrible disorder, listed as the fastest-growing epidemic in the automotive executive industry, according to DSM-5. It’s confronting on public transport or in the street and causes terrible calluses in the worst cases. Visit StopStrokingIt.com for more. Give generously. Your support is greatly appreciated.

So, 15,000 Suppository-Nissan pickups. That’s global sales over three years - about 5000 annually. In perspective, Toyota sells about 45-50,000 Hiluxes a year, and that’s just here in Shitsville. Which is nowhere. (Nowhere that matters.) Ford sold about 40,000 Rangers here in Convict Paradisio. Contrasting 5000 Transvestite-Class Merc-varas.

For another perspective on this, think of all the utes you could buy before spending even more money on an X-Class:

• The Hilux (fit-for-purpose if you’re one of those married-to-Toyota types);

• Ford Ranger (strong, if your inner bogan has no imagination);

• BT-50 (if you want the strong Ranger credentials without the bogan image);

• Mitsubishi Triton (for the discerning ute buyer);

• Isuzu D-Max (for the best new-old ute WITH A TRUCK ENGINE on the market)

• or even the Land Cruiser 79 Series…

…would be a smarter buy than an X-Class.

---

“Keep coming… Only five metres to go… Almost there, mate.”

Power to the people

About 2100 sufficiently impaired Australians paid their own money to take part in the stupidity trial last year, which was 500 more than in 2018. 

So, if Australia seems somewhat more retarded lately, the Suppository’s experiment appears to suggest we got roughly 25 per cent dumber in the past 12 months. That’s something. 

Sarcastic pro tip: If you want to be satisfied with the status quo - get dumb. Being a moron fixes everything. Just look at how happy morons are, everywhere.

“In our global product portfolio, the X-Class is a niche product which plays a great role in a few markets, including Australia and South Africa.”

-Mercedes Top Brass-polisher

CMD sufferers in the media at the global launch. Poor dears.

Anecdotally, these findings concerning Australia’s recent GDSP growth - our Gross Domestic Stupidity Product - are supported by nightly network news - even though nobody, statistically, watches that any more. Which - counter-intuitively - suggests we might be getting smarter.

(Actually, the Lilliputian surge in X-Class sales last year was probably due to the introduction of the ridiculously expensive V6 variant - aimed at the even richer, even dumber CMD sufferer. Donate now: StopStrokingIt.com)

We proud Shitsvillians did buy many more Transvest-aras than the rest of the world, on a per capita basis, supporting the widely-held view that we are in fact one of the dumbest advanced western democracies on earth. Australia: Raising the dumbness bar.

A real Suppository spokesperson here in Australia actually said:

"Our focus is on continuing to service the current demand for the X-Class with the remaining stock we have. People can still walk into a dealership and order a new X-Class. Production ends at the end of May but we won’t be ordering any more from the factory.”

Translation:

We have dozens of these reprehensible quasi-Navara shitboxes out the back currently, and while we can’t wait to erase this embarrassing one-model stand with Nissan from the proud history of our coveted Suppository, if your dominant hand is nothing but a club enveloped in calluses and you deeply desire an overpriced under-done Knee-sun pickup, our dealers will happily fleece you over this definitive intellectual capacity status symbol.

Here’s the primary problem with buying German luxury: there is little to no value >>

---

Wait for the depreciation plunge on X-Class in 2021...

Conclusion

So, if you are that rich wanker, there’s still time.

Grab an X-Class Merc-vara now, so everyone can see who you really are. You know you want one. But not if you want to Make Australia Less Shit - and as your next Prime Mincer I know that’s my objective. 

I’m doing it right now. And even the three-pronged Suppository is getting on board in May, apparently.

I think you’d agree a Suppository inventory that no longer includes a transgender Navara is a small step towards making the nation Less Shit. And I thank them for the upcoming donation to StopStrokingIt.com.

P.S. StopStrokingIt.com might actually take you to the strokefoundation.org.au website, which is also a very worth recipient if you have enough cash to waste on an X-Class. Make Australia Less Shit by dropping a donation to people who might actually benefit from it.

If you’re still considering getting an X-Class after all that, here’s one for the grown-ups >>

Have your say