First DPFs - now petrol particulate filters are coming to Australia
Exciting new Audi RS3 - now even more likely to go poopy in its trousers thanks to a petrol particle filter. What could possibly go wrong?
The apparent pants-pooping proclivity probability of the upcoming Audi RS3 has been pumped-up by box-headed geniuses thanks to the hi-tech miracle inclusion of a PPF.
That’s right: a petrol particle filter. Just what we’ve all been waiting for.
The probability of an unscripted in-trouser ‘number two’ spillage, to rival that of the Exxon Valdez, seems rather high. At least it does to me.
The last time VW AG got its R&D wrong and corporate moral compass malfunctioned. Image: Lucy Nicholson/Reuters
Especially given the historically robust Volkswagen Group R&D, and its sterling reputation for ‘Guantanamo Bay-style’ customer care. Think Dieselgate, DSG.
PPFs are not legally required in Australia - yet. And if you want to know all about PPFs, click here >>
However, problematically, Audi Australia product planning geniuses were unable to procure from the factory the next-gen RS-Volkswagen without a PPF - presumably because of the company’s historically strong stance on emissions compliance. You try saying that with a straight face.
And now it’s Audi Shitsville’s job to sell this (quote-unquote) ‘advance’ to an unsuspecting public.
“We've got to have a particulate filter. The alternative was not take the car at all ... we had to make the call.”
-Audi Au’s ace audience apologist
Perhaps you can feel the raw enthusiasm radiating off that statement. I know I can. That’s the most recent Audi Australia product planning and pricing dude Shawn Ticehurst, making those tough, corporate calls. In a suit, playing the game of bilateral balls-in-a-vice with his counterpart at the factory (who’s probably a box-head).
There’s no love lost there, typically - no quick greeting of the big cocks, out the back, during recess.
“Nice to see you again, mate,” kind of thing.
Product planners typically hate the friggin’ factory. And to those black-hearted mother-lovers building the cars, the feeling is quite mutual. Generally. At least in my interpretation.
Back to the car.
In the in-trouser defecation sweepstakes, I’m thinking that new RS3 is an odds-on favourite to make like a poop emoji on crack, holding Liberace’s AK, in a bad Tarantino blockbuster.
But unsurprisingly, Audi says the RS3 PPF will be rock-solid in service, provided owners use premium unleaded and not that cat’s piss 91 RON regular unleaded with its PPF-killing inherently high sulphur content.
Because our base fuel really is shit Down Under. Nobody in authority seems to understand that cleaner fuel means less consumption, less pollution and fewer emissions. Because they’re all former lawyer losers with no life experience.
Still, I remain completely unconcerned. We all know how good the Germans are at introducing new technology, flawlessly. Plus: There’s the issue of trust. And I think you’d agree Audi is totally consistent there. Like, what’s Audi ever lied to you and me about - aside from Dieselgate and DSG reliability? (Remember this guy? >>)
I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to this PPF pants-pooping pandemic already. The pain of the early adopting CMD sufferer (Get the inside CMD story here >>).
The petulance. The denial. The resale. The media looking the other way to preserve the advertising relationship, and the ACCC still in hypersleep. Wakey, wakey.
It should all be most therapeutic. And remember: This upcoming four-ringed shitbox represents just the tip of the impending PPF iceberg.
Over time, PPFs will be legally required on all Australian cars (just don’t hold your breath - Australia likes to take its time on technology these days), so they’ll be coming soon enough to a mainstream shitbox near you. So, that should be fun.
It will also be fascinating to see which carmakers actually get this right. If even Toyota struggled with diesel particle filters, can you imagine how the crowd will go doing the DPF dance with PPFs?
Mazda3 should make you reconsider that heavy, impractical SUV or the long list of overpriced prestige German cars. If you’re money smart, you’ll put this sensible, stylish small hatch or sedan on your shortlist for a test drive.