Ex-Volkswagen boss Martin Winterkorn to stand trial over diesel scandal
The albatross around Volkswagen’s neck, which we know and love as ‘Dieselgate’, is certainly not flying away any time soon. Here’s the latest uplifting development…
News out of Frankenfurter, Germany, where a court this week happily ruled that former Volkswagen CEO, Martin Winterkorn, will stand trial on fraud charges linked to the company’s global emissions crimes, where it knowingly put profit ahead of human health, and said ‘hey, love us anyway’. Which worked out so well for them, through the prism of retrospectivity.
To date, Volkswagen has paid more than 30 billion Euros (which is about $50 billion Australian) in penalties and settlements for being such fine, outstanding citizens and paragons of global virtue, etc.
They dropped their reputation in the sewer, as a consequence of these careful decisions approved at the highest level, which remains a real ‘surprise and delight’ event for a reporter such as me.
Imagine how close we’d be to having a therapeutic goods administration-approved zombie-pandemic-curing vaccine with that kind of spare cash to throw at it. Just saying… Like, what can’t you cure or solve, for 30 billion Euros?
After five years of carefully thinking this through, a three-judge panel in beautiful downtown Braunschweig in Volkswagen's neck of the woods (Lower Saxony) ruled that car buyers suffered a financial loss when they bought a car without being aware it was equipped with the illegal software.
Such a paradox. It’s not like they could have put: “New Golf diesel, now with loss-ensuring illegal code to pump up the toxicity” in the brochure. Not even in the fine print. Epicurus could have had a field day with that, except of course he’s been dead for 2360-ish years...
The court in Bratwurst found a (quote) “predominant likelihood” of conviction in the fraud charge. The Germans are quite precise like that. Look at how well they run their railways. It’s amazing. They’re good at predicting the foreseeable future. Just saying.
The three wise German judges said four other defendants would face trial on fraud charges connected to aggravated tax evasion and illegal advertising. Dates for a trial are yet to be set. My cock and I have never seen a five-way we didn’t enjoy - but we are really looking forward to this one. More than usual.
They hate tax evasion. Courts, and governments. Just ask Wesley Snipes. They have no sense of humour whatsoever, on this stuff. To regulators, tax evasion is worse than murder.
Public trials are always fun, too, which Big Marty’s is apparently set to be. There’s really nothing a former corporate rockstar loves more than having his dirty laundry oxygenated on the nightly news for Fritz and Helga to watch, after their 12-hour shift at the local chicken processing plant.
Mr Winterkorn, whom I hasten to add is innocent until proven guilty - and he’s been that way since he was indicted in America for similar alleged mongrel wrongdoings - actually conspiracy and wire fraud - he’s been innocent of that since Thursday the 3rd of May, 2018.
And it looks like he’ll be innocent of that until hell freezes over because Germany does not extradite its citizens to the USA, no matter how innocent they continue to be in circumstances such as these. So that’s lucky.
Anyway, the time duration of ongoing Winterkorn innocence could be somewhat shorter in Germany. He’s full of cunning stunts, though, the old Marty. He’s probably still got a few moves up his sleeve, and he’s certainly been agile in the past, despite being a septuagenarian today.
My favourite ‘Marty does Cirque du Soleil’ moment was when he parachuted adroitly out of the top job at Volkswagen just days after the US EPA announced a notice of violation on September 18, 2015. It did look bad, I have to say. If optics mattered, it did not look coincidental or something a squeaky clean dude would do.
German courts are actually just now making the move on Big Marty on pretty much the fifth anniversary of Dieselgate. I hope there’s a cake. What is the fifth anniversary, traditionally? Is it puke, or dogshit? (It should be, perhaps.)
The company had of course for years been using illegal software that recognized when vehicles were on test, and turned emission controls on, then turned the emission controls off during normal driving. So dieselgate is technically older than five.
It’s probably up for wearing long pants soon. As a result, the cars emitted far more than the legal limit for oxides of nitrogen, a class of pollutants that kill people prematurely and dicks with their quality of life before they shuffle off. But it made Volkswagen money, and that’s the main thing, I suppose. Until they were discovered at the buffet after ‘lights out’, with no pants on. And then it got expensive. Doesn’t it always? Am I right?
The three wise Bratwurstian judges bounced back some allegations levelled by prosecutors when they first charged Mr Winterkorn in April 2019. They said in a news release that the court did not approve charges of unfair competition related to the vehicle’s advertising in the US.
The court also rejected prosecutors’ claims that defendants should repay their bonuses, saying the company, and not the bigwigs, was the financial beneficiary of emissions misconduct. That is certainly a cruel and unusual punishment. Most of the corporate bigwigs I know would rather be waterboarded until the heat death of the universe than hand back their own cash. Jesus.
My fine feathered friend and I are certainly looking forward to the upcoming trial. We think it’ll be certain to be more entertaining (and, in his case) more uplifting than zombie pandemic lockdown. The chicks just won’t leave him alone. It was fine for the first few weeks, but ultimately everything gets old.
We’re both quite keen to see big Marty back in the spotlight. We’ve certainly missed him. One can only hope the trial will take months.
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