Holden V dealers: an epic Mexican stand-off
General Motors says it remains confident of securing gold in the 100, 200 and 400-metres rat humper events when the rescheduled Tokyo Olympics kicks off in just 459 days…
GM’s diligent Olympic preparations in just a sec.
But first, in a breaking development, I was very sad indeed to learn the news of my recent death.
This is the official ‘Bing’ search engine result for John Cadogan, so it must be true. Sent to me by a fine, upstanding viewer named Michael Clarkson in Denver, Colorado.
The other, late John Cadogan, a Sir and biochemist who became BP’s first Director of Research in 1981. Fate, meet irony.
Which is so high up, that you could actually see Heaven from there, if in fact such a place existed. And, being dead, and such a great bloke, I’m surprised I’m not there (Heaven, not Denver). I’m sure Denver is quite nice, though.
It’d be nice, I think, standing at the edge of the clouds, in Heaven, looking down and waving to Mr Clarkson by way of thanks for the heads-up on my untimely demise … and of course enjoying the suffering of the damned, further below, in Hell. That’s always uplifting.
I must say, however, that I’m doing okay and also lookin’ good; in the context of being a dead, 89-year-old organic chemist in Brexitpotamia. To me, death is just a flesh wound, clearly.
Task Masters
Anyway: Holden dealers getting bent-over.
Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony >>
Ah, yes; the 58-year-old Mary Barra, the somewhat useless high priestess of General Motors, whom I think identifies as a woman, (that’s just a guess). It’s very hard to tell on anything from the 1960s without a full roadworthiness inspection. And even then, there’s a recent, subjective dimension to all of this which confuses me. (How does one think or believe they’re on the other team?) This stuff is so complex in the 21st Century.
Mr or Ms Barra has unleashed the four horsemen of corporate Holden dealers >>. Stick and move, Detroit-style. Barra, well she’s been very busy not giving two shits about the tables-have-turned Holden dealer boning going on down here.
Apparently there’s a Mexican standoff right now, between these two elite groups of high-level rodent-humpers: GM and its former allies.
On one side: Holden dealers and its lawyers Pompous Git & Associates - or whomever - incensed at being treated like Holden customers, which is one step below ‘Guantanamo guest’, in case you weren’t aware of the rating system.
At the other side of the standoff are the Four Horsemen of Rat Humpery and Mr or Ms Barra, who have now set a May 2020 deadline for Holden dealers to accept GM’s allegedly insultingly shitty low-ball ‘early termination’ compensation packages. (I’m paraphrasing.)
Rod Sims from the ACCC is stuck entertainingly in the middle, looking down both rodent-humping barrels, attempting to wake up the ACCC from its suxemethonium-induced paralysis, metaphorically. Too busy to act for individuals, but on the case when a bunch of car dealers allege the butt-hurt is intolerable. #Priorities
The latest twist in this hilarious corporate sit-com, which has made me a believer (in karma) and which proves in my mind GM really are masters of the ‘zero-lube’ insertion - GM’s rat-humping Horsemen are now informing dealers that even if they accept on time, in May, they won’t get paid in full - for months.
I’d suggest corporate cockheads don’t get any more tumescent than this - except of course, at Volkswagen >>
Fast Forwarded
In a highly confidential email from Holden to its dealers, which was doubtless tactically leaked to Josh Dowling at CarAdvice one or two seconds after transmission, senior Holden rat-humpers ‘explain’ (if that’s the right word) that...
“...it will be necessary to extend the payment dates.”
This, they say, from some parallel universe, where anything goes, is due to:
“...the many and varied impacts of [the zombie apocalypse]”
L-R: Holden dealers, General Motors.
Apparently GM’s zero-lube payment proposal is 30 per cent within two weeks of signing one’s Holden dealership away like the Titanic, 30 per cent within three months, and the balance of 40 per cent some time after October. If you can believe them (Remember the last promise they kept?n Something about local manufacturing. It’s all a blur now).
The truth is quite malleable at 300 Renaissance Drive, Detroit. It’s a quantum mechanics thing. Schroedinger’s arsehole. Look it up.
Soon-to-be ex-Holden dealer butt-hurt seems to radiate from GM’s bulimic compensation offer of $1500 per car sold over some preceding period (and take away the number you first thought of) whereas KPMG book-cookers retained by Holden dealers seem to think a better number is $6100 per car, plus other compensatory provisions.
The rat humpers from Detroit via Port Melbourne have just added time pressure, for no apparently good reason, except of course the sheer pleasure of fucking other humans over, which, I think you’d agree, is always entertaining.
“Future financial circumstances are very uncertain, and very careful financial planning is required.
GM Holden also needs to assess and plan for how it will resource its … network to meet ongoing service, repair, warranty and related obligations to customers … GM Holden will therefore need to understand from each dealer by the end of May whether they accept our offer.”
Factory closures, always a sign of corporate competence.
Sounds like a good, old-fashioned ultimatum to me.
With his or her factories closed in Retardistan, Canada, Mexico, and South America, thanks to the zombie apocalypse, the potentially female Mr or Ms Barra has apparently developed an allergy to spending GM’s money - except of course on his or herself. That’s always a done deal with these CEOs. Money to burn, there...
Allegedly, the rat humpers say GM sales are at:
“...historically low levels on a global basis [which has sparked] a need to review all costs across the global business.”
Dealers say they were completely blindsided by the death of the Holden brand. But I’m surprised that even they can claim with a straight face to be that stupid. I know very few of them paid attention at school, but even if they are that dumb, they should have watched this excellent video which was when I knew beyond reasonable doubt that the Holden brand was beyond salvation.
Herculean performance
Frankly I find it amazing that here we are afloat in this sea of sweeping global emergency, and yet we continue to be entertained, with ongoing surprise and delight, by two myopically self-interested groups of abject mother-lovers, hilariously at war.
Battle of the rat-humpers, coming soon (or at least in 459 days) to an Olympiad near you.
A multinational carmaker hell-bent on cutting costs, at any cost, and superseded playing the ‘moral outrage’ card after suddenly becoming as disposable as every customer who ever paid them a deposit and signed on the dotted line within their showrooms.
More to come on this one, I’m sure.
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