ACCC investigates GM’s conduct in closing down Holden

As Holden dealers run out of stock early, at least you can count on GM to continue behaving like zero-ethics arseholes, right to the bitter end. Entertainingly so...

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As we in the nation each make like Tom Hanks in a bad suburban-based re-make of Castaway, this awesome story by Josh Dowling in CarAdvice came out late last week. 

I’m surprised CarAdvice is still up and running, frankly; Nine should have been able to sink it by now. Perhaps they’re slipping.

Exclusive: ACCC monitoring Holden compensation, calling for whistleblowers

-CarAdvice

The Joshmeister has every car dealer - in the world - on speed dial. I swear. I dunno how he does it.

Anyway, this all comes after the other, other, other big news story of 2020 so far: the calling of Holden’s time-of-death, in June later this year.

Apparently, the great Federal gummy bear, the ACCC, has started investigating the manner in which GM Arseholes (trademark) are marching Holden dealers to the Reaming Room, for one last, poignant, ankle-grabbing session. Just for old time’s sake.

Gummy-bear Six, Rod Sims, has taken the unprecedented step of telegraphing the ACCC’s inquiries on this - they usually don’t comment on ongoing investigations (often because they’re asleep) - but they’re on the hunt for Holden whistleblowers. So they had to be awake for this one.

“We have had a number of complaints. We are in the very early stages, but certainly it is something that is potentially very serious … we most certainly will look at it in relation to any potential breaches of Australian Consumer Law and the franchising code.”

-Rod Sims, ACCC

Gummy Bear Six there, in between naps. 

So, the backstory here is that Holden dealers have their tits in a twist because they say GM is spitting in their faces (which I think you’d agree is even less acceptable today than usually) by allegedly low-balling the compensation packages offered to those dealers for boning them before their franchise agreements run out.

Two or three years early, in other words. GM, of course, says it’s being beyond reasonable here. Just like they said they’d maintain car manufacturing here for (quote) “at least a decade” before taking a bunch of your tax dollars, jumping in a taxi, and flying back to Detroit, business class.

Dealers convened an urgent crisis meeting with the PM - because he has a known soft spot for corporate scumbags - and reading in between the lines, someone from the PM’s office in Canberra gave the ACCC a wake-up call.

Barra tries really hard to mingle with poor people, May 2019.

Dealers, who are also first-order arseholes and for whom I cannot muster a microgram of sympathy, are so deliciously butt-hurt on this that they have retained Satan’s personal law firm, HBL Ebsworth & Arseholes (or whatever they’re really called - I’m pretty sure Arsehole resigned her senior partnership and went independent). Anyway, Satan’s lawyers appear to be doing what these big ticket law firms specialise in - which would be unleashing the dirt squad.

They’ve also fired a broadside into Mary Barra, the somewhat useless boss of GM (personal opinion) who I’m sure is quaking in her Christian Louboutins and laughing herself to sleep each night on a mattress stuffed full of just a small proportion of the roughly $22 million US dollars she extracts from GM each year, for getting her hair done on the company dime.

HBL E&A claims GM knew earlier than it admits that it was pulling out of right-drive globally and therefore knew that Holden’s business would not be viable. And they’ve advised Big, Bad Barra to retain all internal records, litigation soon to follow, blah, blah, blah.

So, if I ran Officeworks in Detroit, I’d be stocking up on those big industrial strength paper shredders - just saying. 

The Holden Dealer Council, which has a VIP table in Hell also, has apparently provided the ACCC with a list of 40 current or former Holden executives - including two former Holden bosses - in the hope of extracting suitable whistleblowers from their ranks.

Balance of probability, one of them has to be Big Butts, who bugged out of the top job just weeks before GM pulled the pin on Holden. He has to know more than he has said publicly on this. Would it not be impossibly entertaining for the ACCC to regain consciousness long enough to depose him under oath? A man can dream.

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Legally conned

Additionally the dealer council is seeking relevant dirt from its members:

“...please urgently forward any evidence that points to discussions or emails which state or infer that a Service and Parts Agreement will only be offered if you accept the compensation package offered.”

-AHDC

So, reading in between the lines here, the imputation seems to be that GM is holding out the carrot of a profitable parts and service franchise agreement for the next five years or something, if dealers take a shitty, low-ball compensation package without putting up a fight.

I’m not saying they’re actually doing that, just that the dealer council’s position appears to be that they are, but they don’t have a smoking gun - yet - hence this fishing exercise. Looking for evidence.

Holden Dealer Council AGM, circa 2020.

I wouldn’t be surprised if GM is doing this, of course. Because they’ve been trained by Darth Vader and Hannibal Lecter, as I understand it. But, for the same reason, I’d be very surprised if they would be stupid enough to put something that incendiary in writing. And hand it to the other team.

Pro tip: if you’re reading this and looking down the barrel of educating your kids at home in term two, on lockdown: Don’t take literacy guidance from the Holden Dealer Council. Here’s why:

“...discussions or emails which state or infer that…”

You car dealer dumb shits. ‘Inferring’ is something you do on the receiving end of a statement that is made to you. It can be in writing or verbally. It’s how you interpret something. What do you think it means? That’s ‘inferring’.

Those dumb shits mean ‘imply’. “...discussions or emails which state or imply…”.

And it’s “that”, not “which”, you imbeciles, because it’s a defining clause. How hard is it?

Implying is something the deliverer of a message does. For example, I’m implying the person who wrote that crap is a Muppet. I’m implying that you can take the franchises from a bunch of Holden Dealers, but you can never take away the fact that they should have paid more attention at school.

Infer versus imply - so seemingly straightforward. So widely abused. Just saying.

Anyway - I do find it deliciously ironic, not to mention wholly equitable, that after decades of systematically treating ordinary Australian customers like shit (and my best efforts to warn everybody >>), that Holden dealers are finally getting a taste of their own dark-hearted rat-fuckery. And the butt-hurt they’re radiating is, to me, the gloriously uplifting glace cherry on the icing on the cake of Karma.

More hilarity to come on this story, I’m sure. We haven’t even gone to court yet.

I’m doubtless Holden and it’s officially boned dealers will save the best of this utter shit-show until the very last. So that’s nice.

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