Caltex rebrands to Ampol

American petro-giant, Chevron, tells Australia, “No more Caltex for you.” Apparently ‘merry Christmas’ seemed trite somehow…

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Breaking up the brand

Chevron has fired a cheery, festive season torpedo right into the anus of Caltex Australia - a direct hit, too: Right up Main Street.

That’s right, Chevron has terminated Caltex Australia’s right to use the name ‘Caltex’ under license across our fine former convict paradise, for about $20 million a year.

Chevron’s pre-Christmas Caltex anus torpedo is a result of Chevron dumping its 50 per cent stake in Caltex for $4.6 billion back in 2015 … and just last week it bought Puma Energy’s Shitsvillian petrol stations for $425 million.

So, it’s fair to presume they’re probably setting up shop here independently soon. Just what we need: Another Caltex.

The now former-Caltex Australia has a cunning $165 million re-branding plan - which you will of course pay for at the bowser, ultimately. 

The no-longer-Caltex geniuses have strapped on the rose coloured glasses and looked in the rear vision mirror: Nostalgia FTW.

Caltex will become Ampol, again, a brand which sunk without a trace from the petrol retailing landscape in Australia when Ampol merged with Caltex almost 25 years ago.

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Turn back time

Is that really the best they could do? Ampol, meat pies, kangaroos and Chevrolet - or something.

Ampol kicked off in New South Wales back in 1936 as the Australian Motorist’s Petrol Company. It listed on the ASX in 1948 and actually competed with Caltex in the refinery business onshore in the 1950s and 60s. 

Of course, that was back in the olden days, when we still did impressive shit, like build dams, refine fuel, develop hydro power schemes, make steel, respect science, there were only two genders, ‘public service’ actually meant that - I could go on, but who has time?

It was in the era before politics was overrun by lawyer arsehole douchebags with no life experience. And that was rather a long time ago. I had hair.

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Let it flow

Chief Executive Bullshitter (actual title may vary) for Can’t Call Us Caltex, Julian Segal, said the Ampol brand better reflected the company’s proud Australian history and its position as a leading transport fuel retailer.

No shit, he said it with a straight face, too. He did - dead-panned it 100 per cent. (I don’t think I could do that.)

Anyway, he’s set to retire once this whole thing blows over, parachuting out of the No-Longer-Caltex C130 at 38,000 feet. No doubt he’ll land safely on his wallet.

He added:

“Ampol is an iconic brand in Australia and reflects our deep Australian heritage and expertise.”

-Julian Segal, Caltex

Yeah … nah. On my world, if Ampol is such a kick-arse brand, I would respectfully ask you to clarify: how come you dipshits buried it at the bottom of the Marianas Trench for the past 20 years? If it was that good?

Were you just, like, lying in wait? Ready to pounce? Keeping the powder dry?

Is it really necessary to crank up the bullshit generator over something an inconse-fucking-quential this?

Unfortunately, it was...

"Our market research confirms that Ampol continues to be regarded as a high-quality and trusted brand by Australian consumers and resonates across our key customer segments."

Mrs. Brown doesn’t feckin’ like boolshitters.

Oh, for feck’s sake - nobody under 20 was alive the last time they saw an Ampol logo on a petrol station. And nobody else cares.

I would respectfully argue that you fuel-retailing morons have done a worse job managing your reputations than the banks. Nobody gives a rat’s arse what you call yourselves, because a shit sandwich made on Helga’s tastes roughly the same as a shit sandwich on Tip Top. Even on a baguette… It makes very little difference.

It takes a special kind of organisation indeed to sell such a truly miraculous product, which, for just a few south-east Asian shekels, empowers all who purchase it with more mobility than a Roman emperor … you’ve achieved this, and you’ve rooted your reputations in the process.

That’s very hard to do, and yet here we all are. Well done.

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New order

I’d suggest on the reputational hierarchy you’ve got your sex worker - it’s an honest living, screwing people for cash, with full disclosure between both parties. Then you’ve got your car salesman - essentially the same thing, but without the disclosure. Then there’s your meth lab supervisor, and the logistics and distribution teams below him.

And then there’s fuel retailers. The pimps at the bottom of the mobility barrel.

Why fixate on the past? Nobody under 30 gives a shit about old antiquated Ampol. Reanimated Ampol. Frankenstein’s Ampol. Why not choose a catchy contemporary name that reflects your true position in the commercial universe, and which cuts through into the future?

I therefore constructively suggest henceforth calling yourselves Petrol Retail Industry Consolidated Services, or PRICS.

Many of my patriotic constituents here in Australia are spontaneously referring to you lot in this way already, it seems to me, so why not leverage this latent marketplace perception and face the future with honesty and integrity in respect of this position you’ve carved out for yourselves in the commercial universe?

I was going to suggest Consolidated Universal National Transport Solutions - but, unfortunately, as I understand it, that’s the top-secret name of a new government agency being headed up by the Prime Mincer himself.

Especially appropriate, I think you’d agree, following his recent daring bushfire escape … to Hawaii. Such a leader.

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