Don't buy a Land Rover in 2020: here’s why

Do you suppose owning a Land Rover could drive you clinically insane? You probably know where the conclusion is headed, but getting there will be interesting…

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Safe to say Brendan, in this situation, would just keep driving…

Here’s the saga of a guy named Brendan Taylor. 

Mr Taylor, unfortunately, purchased a Land Rover Discovery Sport shitheap. First mistake, but there’s more.

He first contacted me in September 2017, when the advertised two-year/34,000-kilometre service interval flew out the window. It just miraculously pissed off, one day. Just like that.

The Discovery Sport has requested its first service at 11mths/11,000km which was covered under their prepaid service program.

Based on a JLR document, it appears that I will be expected to wear the long term cost of their false advertising after their "goodwill" runs out and they "educate" me post sale that I am the root cause of the issue (see flow chart page 7).

I'd enjoy seeing this raised in one of your videos, even at the risk of being labelled a nut!

- Brendan T

If you buy a Land Rover, you are a nut. I get it, however - they do seem rather classy, but the reality is: they’re unreliable shitboxes, and both the importer and the dealer network here in Australia are renowned for malicious unhelpfulness.

Two-and-a-half years of automotive pain, and counting. Mr Taylor’s particular shitheap has been off the road for more than two months in total, in a little over 30,000 kays. Sadly I don’t think that’s even close to a record, for Land Rover.

And that isn’t even the end of it. (Are you preparing to fight a carmaker? Sharpen your axe here >>)

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Dog days

Basically, these newish shitbox Land Rover diesels - the 3.0-litre in the Range Rover and Range Rover Sport and the 2.0-litre in the Evoque and Discovery Sport - have an epic DPF design deficiency. It’s inexcusable.

“Our new petrol and diesel engines are designed for clean and efficient combustion.”

-Land Rover Australia marketing bullshit

That’s an unfortunate current statement from Land Rover’s B-Grade Australian website. It truly is a terrible website. 

See, if you drive your diesel Land Rover wanking tractor routinely through the thriving Shit-tropolis of Sydney where the road system is rooted because politicians are cocks who would rather build football stadiums and fucked-up light rail that’s slower than a bus on valium, as opposed to making the roads system efficient.

I do not understand why they cannot commit to my program of making Australia less shit. It’s not that hard.

In this kind of post-convict, ‘world laughing stock’ environment, the Land Rover DPF system dumps a load of fuel prematurely, deep inside its engine. Literally.

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Green-ovalled

Senior executive Land Rover arseholes even admit they’re being institutionalised mother-lovers on this, in an entertaining nine-page internal document - complete with customer bending-over flowchart - called Service Compliance Notification JLR00100 from July 2017:

“The ‘Service Required’ message is being displayed early due to oil dilution, caused by a higher than expected number of partial Diesel Particle Filter (DPF) regeneration cycles.”

Those green oval arseholes, (they’re arseholes of the green oval kind, not their arseholes are green-coloured - I presume, haven’t checked), go on to explain to their dealers:

“...the amount of post-injection required to achieve a similar burn rate is much higher [in the 3.0 and 2.0 diesel] increasing the likelihood of an interrupted regeneration when the customer ends their journey. This combines to significantly increase the Fuel In Oil (FIO) contribution for each successful regeneration event.”

LR’s Ingenium diesel engine: when R&D shortcuts meet the marketing wild west.

So, the latest generation Dumb-shittium Land Rover engines regenerate too often. They ejaculate excess fuel. It gets into the oil. The vehicles therefore cannot meet the promised service interval. 

“Continued vehicle operation with high oil dilution will result in engine failure.”

There’s little doubt in my mind Land Rover knows they’re being a jumbo-sized bag of foreskin biltong on this:

“The Handbook states that, depending on the type and style of driving that the vehicle is subject to, the indicator may display a service message at a shorter distance than shown in service interval plans. This clause was never stated in any of the marketing literature…

Fuck off: ‘marketing literature’. That’s like calling a McDonald’s Happy Meal ‘food’. ‘Marketing literature. Hamlet … and the shitbox Disco Sport brochure. All part of the one ‘literature’ continuum. That just takes the fucking cake. Honestly.

“This clause was never stated in any of the bullshit marketing literature, so early service requirements may lead to customer dissatisfaction.”

Ohhh - you think? Dissatisfaction. Just to summarise:  ‘Like thoroughbred arseholes, we promised you this insanely long service interval, and we know we’re not delivering it.’

Now, I’m not a lawyer, but that seems like a direct breach of consumer law to me. Let’s see what the consumer watchdog has to say about that, shall we?

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Lady Justice

According to the consumer guarantees made law by Australian Competition and Consumer Commission:

“Products must: match descriptions made by the salesperson, on packaging and labels, and in promotions or advertising”

This distasteful business, frankly, is the Wonderbra of service intervals. It’s emblematic of the way this third-rate carmaker conducts itself. Wonderbra Motors. You hand some poor bastard, like Brendan Taylor here, the keys, and once he gets the clasp open, he’s left wondering where the promised double-Ds went. It’s a flop.

So, by way of dealing minimalistically with this epic engineering botch, those Indian-owned Brexitanian cocks are giving out free premature oil changes (but only up to 80,500km, and not if the car makes it more than three-quarters of the way to the next service interval). And that’s it.

Of course, they’re also going to:

“Educate the customer and explain that this could be because of the customer’s driving style.”

Perfect.

So they’re going to blame you for them not delivering the oil endurance they promised when you were on the showroom floor, getting gutted.

Their design deficiency is thus your fault. Which is impressive, on one level. Even bold.

Rod Sims, takes his time to crack down on Land Rover and other carmakers’ poor treatment of consumers.

But more than anything else, I’d suggest this should instruct you about the heading on the moral compass in the boardrooms of these dogshit brands.

Of course, Land Rover is not intending to compensate you in any way for them failing to deliver on a core promise, which Brendan Taylor says got him over the line on this particular vehicle.

“I foolishly choose the diesel engine over the petrol offering with the advertised 2yr/34,000km service intervals being a deciding factor.”

Time for Rod Sims to get out of hypersleep and sharpen up the ACCC’s dentures, I’d suggest. Or is this regulatory rhetoric about going after shonky carmakers for their underhanded cockheaddery all just bullshit?

This is the reality of choosing a brand like Land Rover. Nice looking cars. Elegant. Great to drive. They’ve got that Euro cachet. Breadth of capability, when they’re not shitting themselves. But under the skin they’re poorly designed shitheaps, and if you’re a customer, the company simply lacks a moral commitment to you.

Interestingly, Mr Taylor’s Disco Shitbox needed its engine replaced following a bearing failure. They did that for free, but he says the replacement engine leaked, and they couldn’t fix it after six attempts, and now Mr Taylor tells me the vehicle’s just come out of warranty and the dealer is refusing to entertain a seventh repair attempt without Mr Taylor coughing up $1650 to diagnose the problem, plus subsequent repair cost. Arseholes.

Just 34,000 kays on the clock since new. It’s been off the road for 69 days in total. Mr Taylor says there’s been a “long list of repaired defects and replaced items” including the new engine at 10,000km. Oh, and a new transmission at 30,000 kilometres.

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Out of the frying pan…

Mr Taylor says he’s had enough at this point. Time to get out. He now wants a… wait for it… Skoda Kodiaq.

And look - I’m happy to help people get a discount on any car they want. It’s their money.

But the myth of these C-grade Euro shitboxes really has to stop. Land Rover’s a disgrace. Skoda is a joke, in my view. Kodaiq is an even uglier Volkswagen Tiguan for people with poor taste. And Volkswagen/Skoda is right up there with Land Rover in terms of moral compass calibration.

I’ll make it simple for you. Here’s your not-so-short list of brands not to buy >>

Bonus points also for the same sort of crap sales volumes as Land Rover - meaning very little marketplace support, it’s hard to shop around for sales, service, and parts… Skoda’s just another dud brand.

Like Land Rover, Skoda is a confidence trick, trading on fiction. Brands like this are money pits. They’re selling you the bogus concept of European prestige. Whatever that means.

So, yeah: I think long-term Land Rover ownership can drive you insane. If you actually start to believe the solution to your current mobility problems is a friggin’ Skoda, you need help. 

Like: you hit your head with a hammer. It hurts. You hit it again. It hurts again. You hit it again. It hurts again. There’s a pattern. Over the next few months, between concussions, you start thinking: ‘Perhaps this isn’t the right hammer’. So, you start looking for a better hammer. That’s one approach. Or you could just stop hitting yourself in the head altogether. It’s a personal decision.

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Buy something Japanese or South Korean if you know what’s good for you - a Toyota, a Mazda, maybe a Mitsubishi or Subaru, or a Hyundai or a Kia. See my Best Cars page >>

This will of course, be cheaper, not to mention they will be a great deal more dependable and reliable than owning a Land Rover or Skoda.

There’s a reason people, statistically, actually buy from these Japanese or South Korean brands and not the utterly shit pov-pack German or fake-British Indian-owned Land Rover.

If you’re into the whole S&M thing, then sure, go through Brendan’s ordeal and choke yourself out.

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