Volkswagen's Mexico hail cannon fiasco
Volkswagen has whipped up a shitstorm in Mexico, attempting to control the weather, using massive mad-science-inspired, gas-fired, sonic shockwave cannons blasting at the sky every few seconds
I could not make this up. Let's set the scene:
Captain’s log, stardate 42, 39, 56: Crab-eating macaques across Earth are breathing a little easier now that Rupert Stadler, the former boss of Audi’s Emphysema division remains in prison in Germany.
Definitely not making this up - click the images below for the full reports.
Elsewhere on Earth, the ‘Strayan motoring press remains enthusiastically committed to fluffing its unofficial boyfriend, Volkswagen. (That porn-star experience...) Details below.
They’re so enthusiastic that you might think the worst is over for Volkswagen. But au contraire.
Hail cannons: apparently a real thing...
In news just in, south of the Retardistani border in Mexico, the land of the drug-dealing, murdering rapist (and some good people, I guess)...
...Volkswagen bastards at the company’s largest manufacturing plant outside Chermany have been firing acetylene-powered shock wave cannons into the sky, on full automatic, in an attempt to prevent hail.
There is, of course, no scientific evidence these things actually prevent hail. Most meteorologists are totally skeptical
Local farmers where the plant is located in Puebla say Volkswagen’s Laissez-faire actions have caused a drought affecting 2000 hectares of crops. They’re seeking 70 million pesos in compensation.
It’s all true. According to one local farmer, when the cannons fire:
“The sky literally clears and it simply doesn’t rain.”
According to one NZ manufacturer of these things >> anti-hail cannons:
“...ignite a charge of acetylene gas in a specially designed blast chamber releasing an explosive pressure wave creating a cavitation effect which disrupts the formation process of the hail stone embryo.
“As the resulting energy passes through the neck & into the cone it develops into a force that becomes a shockwave. This shockwave, clearly audible as a large whistling sound, then travels at the speed of sound into and through the cloud formations above, disrupting the growth phase of the hailstones.”
Apparently, these dirty big acetylene gas blunderbusses are fired every four seconds during alleged danger periods. I want one!
The claimed protected area for each cannon is a 500-metre radius. In full auto mode they use weather radar to trigger themselves. But you can also fire them manually.
Fictional times
We live in fictional times. And by that I mean, if I wrote the facts that underpin this story into a script for a TV drama, some dipshit network executive would be on the phone in a heartbeat telling me to get off the drugs, and make the story more believable.
Make me a list of corporations recently embroiled in not one but two global enviro-scandals, which say, let’s install these potentially environment-rooting, acetylene-fired sonic disruptor cannons around our fine factory, despite the fact that there are perfectly serviceable hail nets already designed.
Only Volkswagen.
The gift that keeps on giving. Das arseholes.
Conclusion
Personally, I’d like to lodge a development application for one of those cannons in my backyard. Just for shits and giggles. Or simply install one, unofficially, and see what the council and the neighbours have to say.
Can you imagine just getting the approval for having that much acetylene onsite?
I ask you to remember that what you just watched is satire built on a solid foundation of facts. To confirm: Just Google ‘Volkswagen hail cannon’ to see what the real news media is reporting about that.
Fact-check me.
More reports
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