On Land Rover Defender in 2021: What it may say about you

In a parallel universe there’s a Defender designed by Land Rover but engineered and sold by Toyota - and it is the perfect off-roader. Also, I have a confession to make…

Download the PODCAST for this report

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The new Defender is certainly not the old one - it’s lost the whole ‘hose out’ utilitarian thing.

Ergonomics and safety are vastly improved, obviously. But - just look at the specs - it remains a proper weapon off-road: The angles. The wading depth: 900mm. Respect. Terrain response: yes! Awesome system.

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Top heavy

You can put 168 kilos on the roof - and it’s a monocoque. There’s like 900 kilos of payload, and an 85-litre fuel tank. So, a potentially compelling tourer also. It’s bloody expensive though. Like, if you want to throw $170 grand at a Defender in 2021, step right up, dude.

The range-topping 3.0-litre turbo petrol straight six - I think they call it a P400 X - is about $148k drive-away. (Have fun paying $19k in Luxury Car Tax on that >>)

But if you want to add:

• Third row seating ($3400);

• a front jump seat ($1900);

• the cold climate pack ($1500);

• orange-painted recovery points ($800);

• satin protective film ($6500);

• tow pack with the eye cover ($2500) - oh, and you can’t have the tow pack with the $2200 “Advanced Off-Road Capability Pack”, so there’s that;

• three-zone climate air ($2400);

• solar-shield windscreen and privacy glass ($1400);

• roof rails ($900 - they couldn’t even throw them in, the cheap bastards);

and maybe you want to go the ‘full pimp’ and add…

• 22-inch alloys - that'll be $3600 (they’ll be shit off-road though, and good luck getting a replacement 22-inch tyre in Dingo Piss Creek).

So, we just spent hypothetically $25,000 in options (with plenty more to add if you’re rich and dumb enough), and (ladies and gentlemen) there’s your $170,000 Land Rover Defender. And a complimentary divorce from reality. They throw that in, free, if you tick every box. It’s literally the least they could do.

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Talking tough

$170 grand is a fully-loaded 200 Series LandCruiser Sahara - and no need to tow an acoustically transparent aluminium shitter from this busted-arse salt-pan to the next one, because you’ve got $35,000 left over to spend on four- and five-star accommodation inclusive of a water-closet more than two feet from the dining table.

You caravaners and your 3.5-tonne porta-potties. Just saying >>

Defender is kinda big, too - like, it’s just over an inch longer than a 200 Series, meaning it’s only 10cm shorter than a Kia Carnival - but 21 centimetres taller (than the Carnival). It’s about an inch taller than ‘Cruiser, and it craps all over the ‘Cruiser’s approach and departure angles, and offers 200mm more wading depth. 

Three and a half tonne tow capacity (but only 150 kilos on the towball - that’s a joke: my Ultimate Towing Guide will explain why). They’re suggesting you can tow 3500 kilos and carry 900 kilos of payload - of which 168 kilos could go on the roof. That’s insane - like, properly insane. As in, worst idea ever.

(Imagine if the also-3.5-tonne Nissan Patrol couldn’t do more than 150kg on the towball, or LandCruiser, or even Pajero Sport - they wouldn’t sell nearly as many. Defender is not a strong towing platform, despite the big claim.)

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Falling short

To me, new Defender is nothing like old Defender. Except perhaps in turning circle, which remains atrocious. They’ve recycled the badge to get more people across the line - Defender tragics, basically.

But new Defender is really what Discovery used to be.

And Discovery today is what Range Rover was.

And Range Rover today is what Maybach would be - if Land Rover had a brand specifically devoted to even richer, more enthusiastic wankers. Like Daimler does >>.

You’ll be in the Kimberly or somewhere and a little widget breaks off down there. Unfortunately the ciritcal sensors it was attached to neds replacing so you need the new sonsor, some screws, you also need a Land Rover dude carrying a Land Rover laptop to initialise the new sensor - so you don’t have to finish the entire Gibb River Road in limp mode.

If you’re near Broome, the nearest Land Rover dealership is in Geraldton or Darwin - roughly 1800km away. Good luck with that. Could be a bit of a wait.

This is why the off-road landscape and outback generally is so profoundly dominated by Toyota. They’re perhaps not quite as good off-road or as plush, nor as sexy, nor as good at touring, but they are significantly better supported out there.

Even if you have a problem in the suburbs or the bush, Land Rover Australia has a pretty solid track record about acting all Satan in a Suit towards their customers. Sally Morphy found out about this and the court successfully brought Land Rover to heel over her shitbox Range Rover. It was such a fight.

There’s also a most-entertaining judgement in the Queensland Civil and Administrative Tribunal called “ACH Computing Vs Brisbane City Land Rover” where the dealership lost the matter (thankfully) and had to refund $65,000 to the beleaguered punter out there over another shitbox Ranger Rover Evoque back in 2019. Both fairly recent history.

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Confession time

Ross, I would say to your question about five-year warranty and your low-kays and whether this mitigates the risk… Mate, the risk is poor reliability, worse support and abject wilful corporate malignancy.

So I really fail to see how any warranty of low-odometer reading can hope to mitigate that danger.

I wish brands like Land Rover could get their shit together regarding reliability and support because there’s so much otherwise to love about the product.

I could even live with poor reliability if the support was first-rate - but it isn’t. It’s appalling and well-documented. It’s just not worth the heartbreak.

You are not a stupid contemptable person for wanting a Land Rover Defender, Ross. I want one. We all want things we probably shouldn’t have. That burger. That extra drink. Sofia Vergara and Michelle Rodriguez.

The stupidity and contemptibility only relates to whether we act on those impulses or not.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have been that Land Rover tragic. I owed a Land Rover Defender 110 for about five years - so it was hardly a fling.

I loved to hate that Defender, and I hated to love it more. The turning circle was dreadful - two or three goes as a hairpin turn. The cabin was vast, yet seats were miniscule, the full Lilliput spec, jammed hard up against the windows with the steering wheel offset to the driver. So your face was pressed up against the windows.

Couldn’t reach the handbrake without headbutting the steering wheel where the airbag module would’ve been had it been fitted with one like every single other car on sale at the time.

No sound insulation for the rear wheelarches, so anytime the rear tyres picked up a fragment larger than a grain of sand it sounded like a Taliban sniper had engaged your current position.

And still. I loved that Defender. Logical justification I’m sure had nothing to do with it, but it was a weapon off-road out of the box. I drove heaps of Defenders as a journo - including a 110 in essentially bottomless mud at Eastnor Castle in the UK - and they were all awesome.

It’s pretty clear through the spectrum of retrospectivity that I can’t authentically call Ross a fuckwit on this without also being a somewhat stupid and contemptable person myself.

Getting to the bottom of this confession here, I have loved every Range Rover I’ve ever driven, and there’s been dozens. Discovery has always impressed the shit out of me with its amazing breadth of capability.

But I’ve been sober for many years now, so the chance of relapse is low. I’m stronger now. And Ross, you can find that inner strength too.

Never, ever give up.

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