Elon Musk crowns himself 'techno-king' of Tesla. Seriously.
Elon Musk’s divorce has finally come through, and it’s been messy. Reality never wants to see him again.
Electric Jesus (aka Elon Musk) is in the news again - still testing the limits of cult-member adhesion. (Love to know what Warren Redlich thinks of this one. He’s always wearing out those knee-pads for EJ. Such a worshipper - it’s hell on the knees.)
His holiness (EJ, not Wazza. Wazza’s just another tragic Tesla fan-boy in Florida.)… his holiness has a brand new title, officially filed with the Securities & Exchange Commission, America. I’m not making this up.
Electric Jesus is now officially “Techno-king” of Tesla. And Tesla Chief Financial Officer Zach Kirkhorn is (according to the same SEC filing, quote) ‘Master of Coin’. I could not make this shit up. We are living in fictional times.
Whatever’s in the water in Nevada, dude: I want some.
In a separate filing to the SEC, former president of Tesla’s Automotive division Jerome Guillen has officially (quote) ‘transitioned’. He now identifies as president of Tesla Heavy Truck - which must be the easiest job on earth, seeing as there are no Tesla heavy trucks, and there won’t be any, any time soon. (Just one of the many Tesla lies.)
So, it appears EJ’s divorce from reality has finally come through. Electric Hey-zeus might be dead, but he has risen as the Techno-king.
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When will Musk’s downfall happen?
But are there storm clouds on the horizon? I wonder how long it’s going to be until investors de-throne the Technoking, with the litany of lies and non-achievements just stacking up underneath him?
Let’s count them down:
Starting with the total no-show Tesla Semi because batteries are heavy. So inconvenient, these limits of battery technology. Tesla will say it has miraculous proprietary battery tech, waiting in the wings; except it doesn’t, because it couldn’t have.
Genie’s out of the bottle on lithium-ion batteries. Technology is funny like that, although if you’re a real estate agent in Florida who never studied science or technology, for example, named Warren Redlich, it may not be easy to understand this.
Technoking, sorry, Musk announced the Semi (alongside the still non-existent Roadster 2.0) in 2017. He promised delivery to customers in 2019. That didn’t happen, pretty clearly. In fact, Tesla does not currently have a facility where a vehicle this size could be built. And it’s uneconomical to put batteries in it because of facts.
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Next: Model S Plaid + 0-60mph in under two seconds and Vmax north of 200mph. Superbike stuff - quickest accelerating non-existent street car ever.
No. In fact, Technoking has made this promise before. Back in 2017, he promised the Gen-2 2020 Roadster: 0-60 in 1.9 and Vmax of 250mph. And a range of 620 miles. This was at the Bullshit Semi event where he said it as if to say, “Oh, and another thing…”
Believe it when you actually see it, and it really does do that claimed 0-100km/h time.
That makes the new non-existent Roadster the quickest non-existent bullshit car that Electric Jesus has ever promised, and failed to deliver. Just $50,000 (USD) secured your place in the line. For a 2020 model - guaranteed at this point not to happen. That was just for the poverty shitbox Roadster 2.0 - the $200,000 one.
If you wanted the exclusive, non-existent Founders Series Roadster with Mount Rushmore monogrammed on the dashboard, only with Elon’s head on every statue instead of dead presidents, you had to pay the full $250k up front.
They call that one ‘King of the Juice’ internally. I fact-checked that.
You can still put down a deposit on the nonexistent 2020 Tesla Roadster - or even pay the full whack for a nonexistent King of the Juice - via Tesla’s website today.
That’s all it takes - if your goal is to be a properly self-righteous, hyper-woke, holier-than-thou pain in the arse at professional and social engagements henceforth.
To Cybertruck now and that alleged 0-60 in under three seconds, with a mighty (absurd) 6.4-tonne tow capacity, and 500+ miles of range. It’s so easy to achieve, but only when delivery of actual cars is at best optional, and probably not planned at all.
Cybetruck was of course unregisterable in its debut format, and there’s still no production-spec vehicle, even in 2021, meaning it remains an Elon Musk pipedream widely reported by every single gullible media outlet in the world (ie all of them).
Next up: One million Robotaxis by 2020. Remember that? See, Technokingdom is not really an EV company. It’s a technology company, right? Not really. In the real world, Tesla doesn’t have unique technology. It has unique promises for the gullible. Its only proprietary asset is Technoking’s bottomless pit of bullshit, insofar as I can see.
Speaking of which, Technoking promised - in 2019 - that the Model 3 would be usable as a Robotaxi (that’s lie #1 on this) and that there would be one million Robotaxis on the road by 2020. And, as I see it, he’s only one million Robotaxis short of that not being lie #2.
Pro Tip: Enhanced ‘summon’ doesn’t even function with anything like production-ready utility in a typical car park.
Technoking prick-teases the tantalising prospect of “full self-driving” to anyone dumb enough to listen, but in official correspondence with the DMV in California, Tesla’s lawyers are definitive that the $10,000 upgrade that Tesla actually calls ‘Full Self Driving’ is not, in fact, capable of self-driving at all.
Kinda unequivocal, isn’t it? Full autonomy has eluded even Technoking - except in the domain of cringe-worthy made-up promises for the easily led. Full autonomy continues to elude Technoking. They’re called facts - even Warren Redlich could see this, I hope.
More than five years ago - on January 11, 2016, Technoking tweeted:
Running a bit late, even for you, on that one, Your Royal Highness. Full self driving is like fusion power: Feels so close, but always just over the horizon. Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is a better analogy - fusion power is at least feasible.
Apart from that, EJ’s always been pretty credible.
Aside from claiming he was the founder of PayPal. That’s a lie. And the founder of Tesla. That’s a lie too. And securing the funding to take Tesla private at $420 per share. That was a $20 million lie.
Plus those solar-powered superchargers. It’s good to see them rolling out. And telling the stupid that Supercharging would always be free - that worked out well. And those battery-swap stations. Brilliant promise. They’re proliferating everywhere now, I note.
And the $35,000 Model 3 - perhaps, your Emminance, you could take the $250k I dropped on King of the Juice, and Your Highness might deem to send me the poverty Model 3, with $215,000, being the balance owing, in the frunk?
But aside from those things, it’s pretty clear that anything else Technoking says is pretty much gospel. And for confirmation on this - check out Warren Redlich’s entertaining Technoking fan boy channel. And go to his merch store while you’re there. Get some of those new knee pads, with the gel inserts. They’re are just right for ‘worshipping’ at the Technoking ‘altar’.
And now, if you’d care to join me with the Tesla Fan Boy closing prayer:
Our Elon who art in Nevada,
Technoking be thy name.
Thy Summon come,
Thy Full Self Driving be done in ‘Murica,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our million Robotaxis.
And forgive us our Semi,
as we forgive those who use facts inconveniently against us.
Lead us not into combustion,
but deliver us in Cybertrucks:
For thine is the fiction,
the falsehood, and the glory,
for ever and ever. A-women, brother.
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