Tesla Cybertruck: Most absurd EV, ever
It’s official: Elon Musk’s divorce from reality finally came through…
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Cybertruck is yet another Tesla thought bubble, in the domain of ‘ideas that will never happen’
The world’s most high profile bullshitting billionaire genius, Electric Jesus, sent Tesla shares into a six per cent tailspin when he recently unveiled a stainless steel joke without a punchline, at a Plug-in Scientology cult facility in California.
The so-called Tesla Cybertruck is essentially a Homer Simpson-designed stainless steel Humvee minus of course all connection to satire. It also has an element of mentally retarded stealth fighter about it also, I think you’d agree. It’s the perfect prank reveal, that wasn’t.
Look me in the eye and tell me a third-grader could not have done better with 15 minutes and a box of crayons. This is what happens when companies start believing their own bullshit.
Claimed cost & capability
The ‘Stevie Wonder’ launch edition Cybertruck is expected to retail for $39,990 Retardistani Pesos for the poverty pack with just one electric motor, and rear drive. It’ll stretch up to just under 70 Retardistani big ones for the three-motor all-wheel drive version.
There’s a dual-motor AWD version as well, somewhere in the middle on price. Apparently the poverty version is good for 400 kilometres. The dual motor variant offers 480 kays of range and the tri-motor jobbie will take you 800 kilometres. But they’re all just just claims from the summit of Electric Bullshit Mountain at this stage, of course.
Like the much hyped Tesla Semi which, EJ assured us would be clogging the roads by now, the Cybertruck does not actually exist. So there’s still hope. It’s just a threat at this stage.
Speaking of which, Bullshit Six says the tri-motor Cybertruck will do 0-100 in 2.9 seconds. Which is rather fast. It’ll carry a payload of up to 1.6 tonnes and tow more than 3.4 tonnes. If you want the self-driving one that doesn’t really drive itself and isn’t actually autonomous, that’ll be a $7000 option.
The cybertruck also cooks a mean roast and it will wait patiently and non-judgementally for you to consume two entire cases of beer and attempt to grope the boss’s secretary before jamming yourself inelegantly into the bed, unconscious, upside down. So in that sense it is a perfect redneck companion.
Tesla described the shiny visual abomination as:
“The most powerful tool we have ever built” - Tesla
...but we’re still seeking clarification on that. I think they might actually have been referring to the founder there. (We’ll keep checking.)
It’s a six-seater, the body is made of (quote) “ultra-hard 30X cold-rolled stainless steel” which kinda explains the ridiculous shape. And of course it’s glazed with (quote) “armour glass”.
Cybertruck glass: Not so bulletproof
Not-quite Tony Stark’s face says it all really - when high-profile demonstrations go horribly wrong, for all the world to see
At the reveal, when wannabe Tony Stark’s conscripted some - I dunno - some millennial piss boy from the cult to demonstrate the toughness of the vehicle’s illiterate glass by throwing a metal ball at it (which is not one of bulletproof glass’s toughest tests, I note) the window shattered. Twice. Yesssssss!
Which is just impossibly excellent as public spectacles go, I think you’d agree. Very cyberpunk. Should have taken the blue pill, however.
Elon Man was subsequently observed uttering the following words under his breath shortly after the demise of the spasticated windows:
“Oh my fucking God...” - Elon Musk
So - safe to assume that part wasn’t in the script. But the ‘not really armour glass’ show must go on, I suppose. And I’m not sure how I feel about Iron Musk being a filthy blasphemer. Taking the name of humanity’s latest fake God in vain. Bastard.
Can’t he just - I dunno - stick to the behaviours we’ve come to expect, such as Hoover up a quick joint, lie about the funding and make apparently baseless accusations about minisub-denying cave rescue heroes? Why go off the reservation and insult a direct competitor who’s clearly on the way out anyway?
CONCLUSION
If you suspend all disbelief, you will ‘learn’ (if that’s the right word) that the new Tesla ‘Stealth Cockroach’ Stupidtruck will be offered with an electric ATV, the so-called Cyberquad, which Electric Jesus says will be available only as a genuine Cybertruck option. (Note to self - might need an extra charging point in the Fat Cave. Or not.)
So, if you’re a rich, environmentally evangelical dick with a dysfunctional relationship with aesthetics, who failed physics and seeks to save the planet by overconsuming absurd products that really won’t help, the new Tesla tri-motor Stevie Wonder Cybertruck and Cyberquad boxed set could be just right for you.
For everyone else - even many of the faithful, I note - it’s pretty clear Mr Musk has lost the plot with this one. Thirteen point two there, out of a possible 10, for divorcing reality with twist and pike.
I therefore withdraw unreservedly all the harsh imputations we have formerly made in relation to the plug-in cult and its interesting behaviour. Because this latest development really quite impressive. It’s up right there, where the Pope himself fears to wash. Even after intensive digital remastering.
No plans have been announced for right-hand drive or ‘Strayan homologtion for the mighty Tesla Stupidtruck, and I think we can all thank the Lord, Electric Jesus, sincerely, for that.
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