Least aspirational Holden ambassadors ever…


Burke and Wills. Really? If television advertising were to be believed, owning a Holden could make you the next Burke & Wills. Not sure how appealing that really is


Holden's latest Commodore ad says it's looking at you - if you're the new Burke and Wills.

Unfortunately, the most salient feature of the whole Burke and Wills exploration of central ‘Straya is that they both died of malnutrition in the desert while exploring it.

Just speaking personally, this is a parallel I would not draw if I were in the precarious position of Holden selling a car like the Commodore, which is clearly fast-tracked for failure.

Holden is the worst kind of one-trick communications pony here - always trying to pull on the jingoistic heart-strings of being so friggin’ ‘Strayan.

Unfortunately, since the Commodore is now a twisted freak, a French-German-American abomination, and since they closed the friggin’ factory and betrayed the ‘Strayan taxpayer…

...don’t you think it might be time to dial back the nauseating Aussie rhetoric, just a bit? And although the trajectory of the new Commodore appears completely to emulate that of the latter stages of the Burke and Wills expedition - they’re probably not a good example in the unlikely event that you’re actually seriously trying to sell that car.

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The ad droned on:

JAQUES COUSTEAU | Ahh … yes: Well known ‘Australian’ explorer Jaques Cousteau. In the same way as the Commodore is an Australian car.

CHARLES KINGSFORD SMITH | Small point of order here: Charles Kingsford Smith was not an explorer. He was an aviation pioneer. They’re different.

Kingsford Smith: Very impressive: First trans-Pacific flight to Retardistan. First non-stop crossing of the Shitsville mainland. Set a new record for Shitsville back to the Old Dart (10.5 days).

JESSICA WATSON | Not an explorer. Certainly a high achiever - solo southern hemisphere circumnavigation by sea aged 16, in 2009. Well done. Respect. But not an explorer.

BUNGAREE | This is my favourite. To Holden senior executive management I’d say this corporate minority-appeasing obsession has to stop. But only if you want to sell cars.

Hands up if you actually know who Bungaree was. And if you do - put your hand down if you had to use Google. That doesn’t count. How many Shitsvillians do you suppose actually know who this Bungaree alleged explorer chap was?

If we were to take a nationwide Bungaree awareness pub test this Friday night, I’d suggest the result would be fairly low.

Bungaree was an aboriginal almost-explorer. He was an explorer in the same way Robin (of Batman and Robin fame), is a crime-fighting superhero.

Read more at Wikipedia >>

Bungaree made it into your dipshit ad, but Jaques Cousteau bumped Matthew Flinders from inclusion. That’s like reverse discrimination, you arseholes.

Matthew Flinders was the real explorer here - the Batman of the Flinders-Bungaree duo - and Bungaree was little more than his friggin’ interpreter. He sat in the boat and spoke nicely to other aboriginals at various ports of circumnavigational call.

After the Flinders circumnavigation of the Shitsvillian mainland, they dressed Bungaree up in various colourful British military uniforms and he wandered around colonial Sydney. Governor Lachlan Macquarie officially dubbed him ‘King of the Blacks’.

I’m sure it was all very dignified without being racist or condescending at all.

Read more at Wikipedia >>

In closing, I’d suggest: what was wrong with Matthew Flinders - an incredible Shitsvillian exploratory hero, along with other actual explorer icons who didn’t die on the job, including Blaxland, Lawson, Wentworth, Sir Thoma Mitchell (legend), Hamilton Hume, Cecil Madigan, Len Beadell, Charles Sturt or Ludwig Leichardt?

Or even Captain Cook - although pretty clearly he did die on the job. That disgraceful mainly non-explorer bullshit Holden ad is emblematic of everything wrong with your Holden’s management culture. The boardroom is clearly a place where bullshit eclipses those pesky ontological truths.

And yet I enjoyed the ad, even though in the greater scheme it is nothing more than a waypoint on the course Holden has charted on its own vital internal exploratory mission - to uncover the fabled lost German French American gold-plated city of el-Obscurato.


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