VW designs ultimate mardi gras ute
Because, hey: You can’t stop the music. Nobody can stop the music … mainly because it’s fun to stay at the YMCA, when you’re not in the navy
My very good friends at Volkswagen have booked themselves in for a preparatory wax ‘down there’, in Brazil, where they plan to unveil a truly tiny utility built on the Golf, Tiguan and Polo platform this Tuesday.
Building on a distinctive tradition of diminutive ‘homo-erotic’ utes exemplified by the Proton Jumbuck and Suzuki Mighty Boy, the new Volkswagen ‘Fag Pro’ - which is the ideal name, if you ask me - is certain to be an instant hit with the Mardi Gras set globally.
Sydney and San Francisco were booked out, sadly. That’s why they’re unveiling it in Brazil.
Payload capacity is an unknown number of feather boas and leather undergarments. And of course careful consideration of the likely end user has resulted in numerous bespoke in-cabin innovations:
Ezy-Clean latex trim (that’s a registered trademark, of course), plus individual sequin pouches in the doors, full rainbow chalk set in the rear seat pockets … it’s got that kind of thing.
Top-spec model only, of course. I think they should call that one the ‘Fag Pro Pumped’. Get Pumped today. You know you want to.
Infotainment: Once you turn the audio system on for the very first time, in the new Volkswagen Fag Pro, it stays on. And that’s how it remains for the life of the vehicle.
You can’t stop the music. Literally. Nobody can stop the music.
So if you’ve already got a Mercedes-Benz A-Class parked in your inner-city LGBTQI suburb here in Shitsville and perhaps you’re looking for something a bit more butch to keep your other gay car company in the carport while you’re inside watching Brokeback Mountain with your closest mates…
...then I’m very sorry to inform you that the upcoming Volkswagen Fag Pro micro-ute probably won’t be sold in ‘Straya.
How Volkswagen tried to control the weather with giant gas-powered cannons >>
Man with the most challenging automotive job in Shitsville - personal opinion - Volkswagen Oz corporate comms dude and champion straight face keeper (the only straight thing about this story, I’ll have you know), Paul Pottinger, told the Shitsville motoring Muppets.
“...it is difficult at this stage to see its applicability to Australia … but when we learn more about it we might revisit this.”
So that’s a firm PR prick-teasing possibility of a definite ‘maybe’, trending towards ‘piss off, do we look that dumb?’
But let’s hope against hope against hope they do bring it here.
They could launch it at the YMCA. Or in the navy. Or they could do the launch in Saudi Arabia and just drive it off the roof, symbolically enough.
Perhaps Skoda has a derivative in the wings, too - the Reamster. I’d look forward to driving that one home.
Verdict: The Volkswagen Fag Pro Pumped is the most authentically shirt-lifting ute of the past 15 years. A brave icon of inclusiveness. And yet, also guaranteed to get one’s head punched in at building sites across the nation.
Another brilliant Volkswagen idea. Will it ever end? I certainly hope not.
No reference to individuals is intended. Much of this report it satire. The bits that aren’t are mostly personal opinion. Nearly every fact was harmed in the production of this report.