Top 6 latest epic Tesla 'fails'

From epic autonomous driving failures to entrapment hazards and paying a chef $6.8 million to sit on the board, the Church of Electric Scientology really does have something for everyone…


Electric Jesus - the Stan Meyers of EVs - is back in the news, for all the right reasons, too. He’s so preposterously dependable.

Frankly, on my world, Elon Musk is not the messiah; he’s just a very naughty boy. The list of failed promises is growing like Pinocchio on crack. (I saw that movie at the premiere; it was most uplifting.)

Of course, to the paid-up members of ‘Green Scientology’, Electric Jesus can do no wrong, but to me, he’s little more than a charismatic clown. And I hate clowns.

Here are six of the best contemporary Tesla ‘own goals’:

The list of Tesla ‘Smart Summon’ fails is growing longer by the minute

The list of Tesla ‘Smart Summon’ fails is growing longer by the minute

ONE: When Smart Summon goes dumb

Currently trending on Google: the term ‘Tesla Summon fail’. Kinda says it all, really. It’s great in theory; mentally retarded in practise. Tesla Smart Summon is the smartphone app that summons your plug-in shitbox from up to 60 metres away, whence it is parked, so that you need not walk all the way to it, you lazy, rich prick.

Tesla: Using technology to solve problems that don’t really exist…

Tesla claims Smart Summon can: 

“navigate more complex environments and parking spaces, manoeuvring around objects as necessary to come find you in a parking lot” - Tesla BS

Unfortunately, that thing George W Bush the second would still call ‘the internets’ is filling up with inconvenient videos, blog posts and outpourings of social media grief following Smart Summon going horribly awry. Just search ‘Tesla Summon fail’ on YouTube and be amazed at the spectacle of hi-tech spastication.

Teslas running themselves into the garage, Teslas smacking themselves into some other car, or just acting flat-out retarded because the system cannot cope with the complexities of reality. It’s most entertaining.

“Other party thinks that I was actually driving because I ran to my car before he got out.  Please give me some advise.” - David F Guarjardo, above.

That’s one cult member’s tweet after his Model 3 in Spastic Summon mode was involved in a bingle with a conventional car. It’s a very good point: If you’re driving and a Tesla operating in ‘Dumbshit’ mode runs into me, who’s actually responsible? Whom do I sue?

I don’t think the legislation is quite there yet - just like the technology. And, to Electric Jesus I would pray: ‘Lord, how about you stop beta-testing dogshit tech that’s little more than a nice idea, on the public?’

‘Don’t do it for us, Lord,’ I would respectfully suggest by way of ongoing prayer. ‘Do it for yourself. All you’ve managed at this point is the perfect demonstration of why autonomous vehicles cannot cope in a world full of human drivers. And that’s a long way from the miracle the faithful are expecting of you.’

TWO: Breaking the ice - and the fingers

Speaking of beta-testing dodgy Tesla tech on the public: The Model X has a feature most people don’t know about. It’s not even in the owner’s manual. It’s called the ‘icebreaker’.

Tesla Model X ‘Icebreaker’ feature shown extended with entrapment hazard clearly visible

Tesla Model X ‘Icebreaker’ feature shown extended with entrapment hazard clearly visible

Another nice, but bullshit, idea. If the Model X’s power front doors feel resistance upon opening, perhaps when frozen solid by ice, a black obelisk pops out to break the ice and free the door, and then retracts in two or three seconds. It’s all very ‘Stanley Kubrick’.

Unfortunately there’s a hole in the Icebreaker big enough to trap a five-year-old girl’s finger. The hole is accessible when the Icebreaker extends, and it’s an entrapment hazard on retraction. You can see where this is headed.

Milana Izzetov and the Tesla Icebreaker-induced crush injury

Milana Izzetov and the Tesla Icebreaker-induced crush injury

Her name is Milana Izzetov. She did what kids do, inquisitively enough, and the Icebreaker turned into a finger breaker and little girl trap. EJ’s better mousetrap. He knew he could do it. Having had fun, I can confidently assert, that’s not fun. It took an emergency crew two excruciating hours to free Milana Izzetov from the Tesla Icebreaker. (There’s so many nerve endings in the human hand.)

It took emergency crews two hours to free Milana Izzetov from her entrapment by the Tesla Icebreaker

It took emergency crews two hours to free Milana Izzetov from her entrapment by the Tesla Icebreaker

So the Icebreaker turned into a deal-breaker for the father, Marlen, who had previously been quite the acolyte. So he sued the Church of Electric Scientology in San Jose Federal Court. According to ABC7 News in Retardistan, Tesla’s shithead lawyers tried blaming the five-year-old and her parents - as well as other predictable liability-deflecting bullshit.

THREE: World’s dodgiest private dick

Thai cave rescue hero Vernon Unsworth, MBE

Thai cave rescue hero Vernon Unsworth, MBE

Remember when EJ called Vernon Unsworth a pedophile? Good times… Unsworth is, of course, the Thai cave rescue hero and a Member of the British Empire. (The famous MBE chivalry award, not just a passport holder.)

EJ offered Unsworth his hastily constructed, dodgy minisub, which Unsworth dismissed as (quote) “a publicity stunt”. (Mainly because it was a publicity stunt that would not have worked. So there’s that.)

Billionaires hate being dismissed, so Electric Jesus had a tanty and called Unsworth a (quote) “pedo guy” on Twitter, and Buzzfeed says he also called Unsworth a (quote) “child rapist” - which all seems fairly unequivocal to me.

Unsworth sued Musk for defamation, as one does when a billionaire alleges you’ve been doing that kind of thing, and personally I found this hilarious because this is exactly the example I have been using for years when people ask me how to avoid being sued for defamation. I always advise them: ‘Don’t call someone a pedophile unless there’s a conviction on the record.’ So, to me this was just the perfect storm.

Anyway, it’s just become even more perfect. Buzzfeed says, earlier this month, that instead of ‘EJ Billionaire’ just paying the guy off quietly, and shutting this down with an NDA (ie, the smart move) it emerges that EJ hired a private detective and paid him a lazy $50,000 to dig into Unsworth … presumably to uncover any hidden ‘pedo’ gems which might be buried there, in the past. (I can’t think of any other reason. There may of course be one.)

Elon Musk’s criminal P.I. of choice, and possible target for ‘penis with ears’ jokes, James Howard-Higgins

Elon Musk’s criminal P.I. of choice, and possible target for ‘penis with ears’ jokes, James Howard-Higgins

Satisfyingly enough, the PI is a guy named James Howard-Higgins.

(Another dude who could perhaps go undercover as a penis with ears, although I suppose the pot should not call the kettle entirely black on this issue…)

The glace cherry on the icing on the “pedo guy” cake of private investigation is actually a convicted criminal who stole about half a million US dollars from the company he co-founded.

He was convicted and served 18 months of a three-year sentence, and offered himself up to Electric Hesus as principal Unsworth pedo dirt-digger while on parole.

So to the senior executive management of the West Wing of Electric Scientology I would say:

Nice job on the reference checks before hiring, you dipshits.

And to EJ I would pray, respectfully, that you make better decisions while sitting at the head of the board, so that it doesn’t go all ‘last supper’ on you.

In a handbasket.



FOUR: Nepotism in the boardroom

Speaking of bad boardroom decisions: Investment luminary Ben McGarry of Totus Capital turned the infamous ‘funding secured’ EJ bullshit tweet and subsequent 38 per cent Tesla share price plunge into his firm’s most profitable short. 

McGarry says Tesla could plunge to zero as early as 2020, and he makes a compelling argument based on data that the stock fits into the category he describes as (quote) “fads, frauds and failures”. Poor governance is one of McGarry’s red flags. (If you click this link, scroll down to prediction #6.)


“In 2018, Tesla's board of directors was the second highest-paid board in the USA. Elon's brother Kimball, a chef, was paid $6.8 million to sit on the board last year.” - Ben McGarry, Totus Capital

Kimbal Musk.jpg

And when I read that, I went: ‘What the?’ Under the influence of which drugs do parents call their offspring Elon and Kimbal? That’s fucked up … which I guess is entirely consistent with the whole Biblical parallel we see playing out at Tesla. At least they’re consistent.

There are nine members on the Tesla board, and most of them are pretty credible. You’ve got venture capitalists and investment luminaries and highly successful software geeks, like the founder of Oracle … you’ve got the former CEO of 21st Century Fox, the former head of HR for Walgreens, plus the charismatic pedo-tweeter and his chef brother.

It just made me wonder: Can you see how Kimbal Musk might possibly add US$6.8 million worth of value to Tesla? Because I sure as shit cannot.

That’s US$130,000 per week. Call it a lazy $25k a day if you take the weekends off.

It must be impossibly excellent to have a billionaire brother - but not so hot if you’re a shareholder, I’d suggest, to realise that it is you, and not EJ who is actually paying Kimbal Musk to do … whatever the fuck he does on the board. I dunno … cut the crusts off the little sandwiches. Whatever.

FIVE: About those fires

Whenever I say ‘hydrogen’, people say ‘Hindenburg’. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. So, with that in mind a 57-year-old paid-up member of Electric Scientology recently crashed his planet-saving shitheap into a tree at speed in Austria.

It caught fire, predictably, because lithium-ion batteries are quite enthusiastic at that. He was rescued by bystanders, so that’s rather nice (for him). Ze Cherman firefighters, who I must say do appear to have their shit together, arrived in a timely fashion, and fought the blaze successfully.

The road was closed, but to bring the conflagration under control and make the vehicle safe for transport, they had to bring in a special container. And, by ‘special container’ I really mean ‘ersatz portable swimming pool’. 

A 24-cubic metre steel box 6.8 by 2.4 by 1.5, designed to hold a burning EV sitting in 11 tonnes of water (11,000 litres). Ahhh … small problem: ze average Cherman fire appliance holds about 2000 litres of water. So there’s that.

It should be painfully obvious at this point just how serious the ongoing fire risk is with crashed EVs. So, to those chumps championing EVs in Canberra (and other places) I’d suggest you might do well to ensure rescue services and the irrigation systems in tunnels are adequately equipped to deal with the consequences of future crashed EVs.

SIX: Semi? What Semi?

And finally, the Semi. The mighty Semi. Where would we be without the Semi. I’ve always enjoyed the idea of having one in public, but the problem is: It’s still not here. Supposed to be here right now. Walmart and Pepsi have slapped down big orders… and the Church of Electric Scientology is now saying … your flight to heavy hauling EV heaven has been delayed … by about a year.


I suspect it might be even longer than that. Perhaps in the next life this will be corrected. Who knows? EJ’s bishops are not even at the point where they can disclose a production location for the fictional beast. Perhaps because one has not been selected yet. So, it’s not looking good, is it? But you can relax because Tesla has released a diecast model.

“...using the same CAD data used to manufacture the actual Tesla Semi.”

Which is not actually being manufactured. In a location not yet chosen. (And a lot smaller. Obviously.) But that’s OK because Electric Jesus himself has seen the future for the Semi in a dream, on the 8th of February last year, and as we know: The Lord is never wrong.


“So if you take four years, I think 100,000 units a year is a reasonable expectation. Maybe more, but that’s the right – roughly the right number, I think.” - Electric Jesus, Feb. 8, 2018


This is right up there with the loaves and the fishes. So well done there, Lord, on the miracle front. You might want to choose a site for the factory some time soon. Just a suggestion. Amen.

You know, I tried praying to Electric Jesus every night for the past week. Religiously. And it worked perfectly. I got exactly the same response as my prayers to Religious Jesus typically get. The doubting sinner in me unkindly suggested that nobody was listening, but then I got faith, asked for forgiveness, and it all seemed OK. So that’s rather nice.

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