Top 10 Cocks of the Year 2016

COCKS OF THE YEAR TRANSCRIPT

To paraphrase pop-culture philosopher and Oscar-winning rabbit, Bugs Bunny: Overture, curtains, lights. This is it, we’ve hit the heights. And oh what heights we’ll hit. Cock of the year - this is it.

Do we really need any more car of the year awards? Really? As bandwagons go, this one is already overloaded. I submit to you these alternative anti-awards: the perfect counterpoint to the collective fellatio by media that is the endless parade of purported cars of the year.

Cocks of the year are the only industry award accolades you can really trust. A retrospective look at the purveyors of A-Grade automotive bullshit in 2016.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are the Cocks of the Year. Ten different categories of elite automotive cock-flavoured anti-excellence. Let’s cock this up.

1. Fair Cock of the Year

The Muhammed Ali memorial award for automotive fair play - goes to that organisation or campaign which set itself apart by virtue of its contribution to strong competition and a healthy marketplace in 2016.

And the winner is …
The ‘Genuine is Best’ campaign

Genuine is best is the evil brainchild of the car industry’s grubbly little lobby group, the Federal Chamber of Automotive industries. Semantic promiscuity knows no bounds in this campaign, apparently, in which the term ‘counterfeit’ seems to swell to encompass not only truly counterfeit parts but also genuine alternative parts manufactured to a uniformly high standard and offered by reputable manufacturers.

The epic alloy wheel propaganda video produced for this campaign (deconstructed in the video to the right), with breathtakingly ill-conceived support from (in particular) Holden and Mercedes-Benz, is a particular industry disgrace - and that’s just what want, here at Cock of the Year Central.

Well deserved.

Web- Ali.jpg

FULL REPORT BELOW: GENUINE IS BS

2. Crazy Cock of the Year

The Wilbur and Orville Wright award is the only audience-focussed award. It recognises those automotive enthusiasts among you who fail to get off the ground on the basis of capacity for critical thought.

And the winner is: 
nut-bags who thinks all opinions matter

You are not entitled to your opinion, unless you can support it with evidence. You’re entitled to believe well done is better than medium rare, vis a vis fillet steak. Chocolate versus strawberry - we could argue the toss endlessly.

But you are not entitled to disagree with how combustion works, or gravity, or entropy, friction, GPS, evolution, or relativity. Not without evidence.

These crazy cock views demand a kind false equivalence with bodies of evidence, yet they are unworthy of it, and outrage is expressed if inconvenient facts are brought to bear by way of expert argument, as if doing that - introducing logic - is in some way disrespectful to your nutty position. If you can proffer the evidence to the contrary, go for it. If not, I’d humbly suggest: STFU, you crazy cock. You know who you are.

REPORT BELOW: JIHAD ON BULLSHIT

3. Hippocratic Cock of the Year

The Marcus Welby MD award, is for excellence in road safety innovation in 2016.

And the winner is … The Ford Focus RS

Any Douchebag Can Drift Mode, which is standard in the Focus RS, is an interesting position for Ford to adopt in the face of Australia’s growing $30-billion-dollar annual road trauma impost, and the tsunami of personal tragedy that flows alongside this staggering community cost.

But let’s not let that get in the way of engorging the antisocial cocks who will inevitably use the Focus’s Dickhead Drift Mode on public roads.

Offering a car with any system that does nothing other than make a car more potentially dangerous if it is used on a public road is not only textbook contributory negligence.

It is an unsafe act par excellence.

Congratulations, Ford. Well done.

REPORT BELOW: WHY THE RS IS BS

4. Iconoclastic Cock of the year

The Congressman Anthony Weiner award for Brand Management, goes to that institution or institutions which demonstrated an unparalleled capacity for stewardship of their brands in 2016.

And the winner is - a dead heat:
Ford and Holden jointly

Following the complete betrayal of the trust placed in them by the Australian taxpayer - that’s you and me - Ford and Holden are flushing their brands to the deep-ocean outfall and beyond.

Next stop, finding Nemo.

They’ve become suddenly irrelevant, and sales are in freefall. Who could have predicted that, as recently as 2011?

Holden is on the fast track to becoming Australia’s third, and third-rate, South Korean Importer - the one without the benefit of the massive R&D injection following the GFC, and the only large-volume South Korean importer whose products are still woefully crap. Ford has finally had its epically awful customer non-service culture exposed publicly thanks to the ethics exposition encapsulated in the Focus, Fiesta and Ecosport transmission fiascos. The class action: still playing out in court. Two brands well deserving of the coveted cock this year.

REPORT BELOW:
HOLDEN ON DEATH BED

5. Concierge Cock of the Year

The Hannibal Lecter memorial award for Customer Care goes to the carmaker that really sets itself apart and leaves you knowing unequivocally just how important you are to them as a valued owner of their vehicle.

And the winner is -
Fiat Chrysler Automobiles

This is the company that imports Chrysler, Jeep, Dodge, Fiat and Alfa Romeo in Australia.

According to the ACCC, more complaints are made about these Muppets than any other carmaker, as a proportion of vehicles sold.

The company offers you the double-whammy of customer dissatisfaction: a sky high failure rate together with stratospheric ‘couldn’t give a shit factor’ when you have a problem.

Some people would call this a benchmark. To me, they’re just complete cocks.

REPORT BELOW: GAG ORDERS

6. Green Cock of the Year

The Norman Borlaug award for environmental service goes to that company which demonstrated an unwavering commitment to human health is in 2016.

And the winner is - the Volkswagen Group

Volkswagen, Audi and Skoda … and other lesser Volkswagens. After prioritising their profit over your health by globally deploying emissions cheat devices, and having both its pants and its balance sheet pulled down in 2015, the big, arrogant German came off the ropes swinging last year. They got disqualified from the Australia’s Best Cars awards in 2016, the same awards those emissions-cheating arseholes described as:

“The nation’s most comprehensive and independent customer-focussed vehicle testing and awards program.”

That was in 2015. Fast-forward just 12 months and Volkswagen Australia Boss Michael Bartsch said simply that the same awards (quote-unquote) “lack validity”. He did. I couldn’t make up a corporate about-face that inconceivably contradictory, and serve it so deliciously ona  bed of wilted tantrum. Well done. Proving of course - personal opinion - that hell hath no fury like some corporate cock who’s been scorned and then forced to sit on the pointy end of a pineapple.

REPORT BELOW:
DIESELGATE DISGRACE

7. Binary Cock of the Year

Not brought to you again this year by Microsoft, Binary Cock goes to that carmaker which distinguished itself clearly from other carmakers in 2016, on the basis of technology alone.

And the winner is … Tesla

Elon Musk - the real world’s Tony Stark - does not waste time laboriously developing technology, refining it over many iterations and only then deploying it in the public domain. In the name of expediency and triple-digit advancement, Tesla seems quite happy to roll out more or less prototypical technology and beta-test it on owners out there in the field. What could possibly go wrong?

Forty-year-old Tesla driver Joshua Brown was killed in self-driving mode in his Model S in Florida on the 7th of May last year when the autonomous Tesla plowed into a truck it did not see at highway speeds. The truck driver, Frank Baressi, 62, told The Guardian (quote) “he went so fast through my trailer I didn’t see him”. Mr Baressi said the Harry Potter movie Mr Brown may have been watching on the car’s TV screen was still playing in the aftermath of the crash. What a pity it wasn’t Iron Man.

In a neat inversion of reality, Mr Musk (or Elon Man, as he likes to be known in the boardroom - not actually a fact) later actually said to reporters, with alleged mathematical data in support:

“In writing some article that’s negative you effectively dissuade people from buying an autonomous vehicle … you’re killing people.”

You disingenuous hi-tech cock. And we wouldn’t want anyone else killing people, because (apparently) that’s his job. Personal opinion. Please accept the Binary Cock of the Year award with my compliments. Side effects include nausea and vomiting. Batteries not included.

REPORT BELOW:
PETROLEUM PARADOX

8. Regulatory Cock of the Year

The Judge Judy memorial award for distinguished policy - goes to that elected official who distinguishes himself through a clear commitment to improving the automotive policy landscape - even if it means swimming against the tide.

And the winner is:
The Honourable Troy Grant, MP.

Look me in the eye and admit you voted for this guy. Mr Grant is the former Deputy Premier of NSW, former leader of the NSW Nationals, and current NSW Police and Justice minister. A former police officer who steadfastly refuses to acknowledge that the New South Wales Police Force is out of step with the rest of the eastern seaboard on police pursuit policy.

Following a botched pursuit in June, which left a 15-year-old boy with profound traumatic head injuries, and which caused others to demand urgent pursuit policy revision (and this is just one of many such preventable tragedies in NSW), Mr Grant told the ABC, in part:

“I believe the policy settings are right”

Yeah, right. And I believe the Easter-f-king-bunny is real, but as discussed earlier: without evidence that kinda thing just makes you a total cock.

You occupy a bullshit position on this, Mr Grant (in my view) but you are at least consistently wrong in the long term. A small mercy on the elastic landscape of politics, perhaps.

(Honest personal opinion.)

For your ongoing failure to prioritize public safety, and for maintaining this absurdly out-of-step posture in comparison with your peers in Queensland, Victoria, Tasmania and the ACT, Mr Grant, you are a well deserved Regulatory Cock of the Year for 2016. Speaking personally, I hope you add ‘former minister’ to your other ‘former’ roles as expediently as humanly possible.  Well done. My cock and I salute you.

REPORT BELOW:
POLICE PURSUIT UPDATE

9. Shock Jock Cock of the Year

Shock Jock Cock - the Edward R Murrow award for excellence in Automotive journalism, goes to the media outlet that acknowledges the importance of the audience, and demonstrates a clear level of commitment to the integrity of its reports.

And the winner is:
Drive and Carsguide, jointly.

They both actually awarded the 2017 Volkswagen Tiguan the Car of the Year. I know. In my view this is a disgraceful inversion of rational perspective. I think they should just move their editorial offices to the Volkswagen headquarters in Wolfsburg, the better to facilitate an integration into the Volkswagen PR apparatus. And by ‘facilitate’ I mean ‘learn fellatio, the hard way’. As if Volkswagen’s dieselgate scandal globally, together with the related betrayal of Australian owners weren’t grounds enough for disqualification in any customer focussed award. As if Volkswagen’s traditionally crap reliability and even worse customer support wasn’t somehow relevant to people who spend their own money on these cars. In my view, calling the Tiguan a car of the year shows you exactly where you stand as a member of the audience. Ask yourself: Do you want to read news, or thinly veiled PR propaganda, which in my honest personal opinion is what these awards have become. Edward R Murrow said:

“To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; credible we must be truthful.”

I think Edward R Murrow, possibly the greatest journalist ever, would be spinning in his grave seeing alleged journalism done like this.

REPORT BELOW: BULLSHIT CAR OF THE YEAR

10. Top Cock of the Year

Top Cock - this is the big one, guaranteed to get the blood pumping - the Ron Jeremy award for Automotive Excellence. They say size doesn’t matter, but … au contraire. The Top Cock award goes to that vehicle which truly sets itself apart from other cockworthy transportation. It’s distinguished on the bases of quality, elegance and reliability.

And the winner is - the Holden Captiva.

Stiff competition this year from Volkswagen, Ford, Jeep, and even Mercedes-Benz, which seems like it’s on the fast track to Kmart, perversely enough. But there can be only one Top Cock. Captiva is what desperation looks like, wrapped in an SUV.

It’s hastily cobbled together in the delightful former Daewoo factory, which is a little piece of North Korea trapped in the South. The aptly nicknamed Craptiva is an SUV built in the spirit of North Korea’s Grand High Poohbah himself. 

The Craptiva headlines General Motors’ post-GFC philosophy: Mediocrity above all else - it’s just another word for excellence. This is the vehicle voted (admittedly only by me) more likely than any other to induce post-traumatic stress disorder if you are unlucky enough to own one. Its poor reliability is matched only by Holden’s traditional commitment to customer satisfaction (none).

REPORT BELOW:
DON'T BUY THE HOLDEN CAPTIVA

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